When One’s Heaven is the Other’s Hell
What we can learn about benign narcissism from Kevin Can Go F**K Himself
Though the TV show Kevin Can F**k Himself originally aired back in 2021 on AMC, it didn’t get much traction for audiences, and it sadly ended after two seasons. Admittedly, I wasn’t even aware of this show until it popped up on my Netflix account. However, I think the real reason this show was not renewed for a 3rd season is because it reveals a very uncomfortable truth about how men and women experience heteronormative cis-gender relationships.
Namely, that women and men can often have very different experiences in the same relationship. Now, this is not a new concept for me to discuss on my Substack as I have already written about how men and women can have varying points of view in my article on the Justin Baldoni and Blake Lively conflict. However, what the TV show Kevin Can F**k Himself does is paint a satirical view of the traditional marriage dynamic of the concept of “man and wife” and how this system inherently creates inequality between the sexes, through something I would like to call benign narcissism.
How Can There be Anything “Benign” About Narcissism?
For those of you who are not familiar with the term “benign” in the medical profession, benign tumors are noncancerous growths in the body. If you are a woman, who has suffered from incredibly painful periods like me, you have probably heard this term at least once in your life. Usually when, doctors refer to benign polyps that form on the uterus (endometrium) as a result of the overgrowth of cells in women’s uterine wall or lining. Now, of course, this condition leads to a whole host of potential diagnoses and issues for women, which are understudied and often underreported, like PCOS, endometriosis, and many others. Thus, this brings me to my point about benign tumors; while yes, these cells are not cancerous and, therefore, are generally seen as non-life-threatening, over time, if not monitored carefully, they can become quite painful for the person who has them. Thus, they can become not only cancerous to that individual, but also cause them a great deal of pain, discomfort, and, yes, even trauma.
Which brings me to f**king Kevin…
In Kevin Can F**k Himself, the character Kevin McRoberts is played by Eric Petersen, who is portrayed as the obnoxious (yet lovable), self-centered husband of Allison McRoberts (played by Annie Murphy). Kevin is the guy who looks and acts like Peter Griffin from Family Guy in real life, and we all know the type. He’s generally the life of the party, perhaps a bit loud, a bit verbose, drinks a little too much beer, blows off his wife to play video games with his bros, and gosh darn it! He just can’t be bothered to remember to do those dang chores around the house. The world revolves around Kevin and the men who act like him. Why wouldn’t it? He’s funny and always wants things to be upbeat and positive. He also subscribes to and values all the things most men in America are told to want. Sports, cars, drinking beer, and just being an all-around good American guy.
What could be wrong with that?
Well, if you ask his wife Allison, there is a lot wrong with it. Namely, that Kevin is incredibly selfish. Because while watching American Pie, Little Nicky, Beerfest, Dodgeball, Stepbrothers, and all the other stereotypical male-centered movies can be a blast, it gets old and fast.
Whenever Kevin is pictured in a scene, the camera shifts to looking bright and airy. The colors are vivid, playful, and we can hear the “live-studio audience” laughing in the background, just as we would in a sitcom centered around the male star. (Think That 70s Show or Fresh Prince.) Sure, he does things that visibly upset his wife and probably should get him fired from his job, but it’s fine!!! He’s just being his lovable, goofy self. Who cares if he hasn’t fixed the cockroach problem in his home or writes on the bathroom mirror with a Sharpie. All of that is forgivable…or is it?
Let’s cut to Alison, who represents a common archetype of a woman we see in our modern world. She is the woman (often White, or White-presenting) who loves God and her family and bought into the dream of having the perfect home and the perfect husband. Yes, the trad wife. She is every man’s American dream-girl wife, pretty and blonde, although you wouldn’t know that from how she looks and dresses when the camera cuts to her point of view, which is notably much darker than Kevin’s.
No, in Allison’s world, things are not so lovely. She works at a liquor store, and when she isn’t working, she’s cooking and cleaning up after her husband, his father, his friend and his sister, who spend all their time at her house. In every sense of the word, she is their glorified maid. She is the butt of all of their jokes, often being used as a scapegoat or being called a “stick in the mud” because how dare she ask Kevin to be responsible for his own actions, like an adult. And despite her husband’s childish behavior, she is hell-bent on her dream of one day owning a new home, where she can wear a 1950s-style dress and poor her husband a nice cold beer while he looks at her adoringly. Every woman’s dream – or at least the dream we are told we “should” want.
When Things Don’t Go According to Plan
For those of you interested in watching the show, which I highly recommend, I am only going to give away one spoiler, which happens in the first episode. After 10 years of saving up to buy a home with her husband, Allison discovers that her husband has blown all of their money on sports memorabilia and his failed get-rich-quick schemes. Thus, he has effectively drained all of their joint finances for his own selfish hobbies and interests.
Understandably, Allison is upset by this realization, but there is more to it than that. What Kevin’s behavior reveals is a classic example of benign narcissism (Which, spoiler alert: much like the benign tumors or polyps women experience), tends not to be all that “harmless” after all when left unchecked.
Kevin, having grown up in a culture that centers men, has never had to think about the consequences of his actions or how they affect his partner. He has never had to worry about if his impulse spending has unfairly put financial strain on his partner, Allison, because, in his mind, he isn’t doing anything wrong and believes nothing is wrong with their crumbling cockroach-infested house. He objectively cannot fathom that what he has done is wrong, even though some part of him knows it is, which is why he avoids telling Allison the truth about his poor financial decisions.
Thus, his behavior, while on the surface, may seem “not that bad,” and we, as the audience, might want to give him a “pass” and laugh it off as we might do with any male character. The actual truth is that Kevin is completely self-focused, which is the very definition of narcissism.
Don’t believe me? Here is the DSM-5-TR description for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) (Keep in mind one only needs 5 of the symptoms to be diagnosed):
Grandiosity: An exaggerated sense of self-importance. (How Kevin demands Allison center him in every interaction.)
Need for Admiration: Constantly seeking excessive attention and praise from others. (Kevin engaging in his pranks and anticks to get approval from his friends.)
Lack of Empathy: Inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others. (Not taking accountability for spending his wife’s savings or considering her emotional needs and physical comfort.)
Sense of Entitlement: Unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment. (I.e. spending all his money on sports memorabilia without thinking to ask for permission from his wife.)
Exploitativeness: Taking advantage of others to achieve personal goals. (Stealing his wife’s hard-earned money.)
Arrogance: Acting superior or condescending toward others. (Belittling Allison in front of his friends as a “joke.”)
Preoccupation with Fantasies: About success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. (I.e. all his “get rich quick” schemes.)
Belief in Being Unique: Feels only special people can understand them or that the rules do not apply to them. (Spending his wife's money on items he wants because he believes he “deserves” them.)
Envy: Being envious of others or believing others are envious of them. (Engaging in a conflict with a neighbor, believing they stole an expensive sports jersey he bought (with Allison’s money) out of envy.)
And there we have it, folks…the impacts of benign narcissism.
Now, I’ll be the first to say that NPD in the DSM is written in very vague language, meaning that all of us, at one point in time, have probably displayed five or more of the symptoms. However, what makes it a disorder is if these behaviors are indicative of a pattern of one’s character. We know just from watching Kevin on one episode that this has been an on-going pattern of behavior in his marriage to Allison and it makes me wonder, how many men fall into this type of pattern as well. In other words, are White men in America socially conditioned to be benign narcissists?
No really, take a moment to think about it. How many of us have read posts online or watched “expert” therapists on TikTok talking about the symptoms of narcissism and thought, “well, that's my brother, husband, uncle, father,” etc? Why is it that men are OVERWHELMINGLY more likely to be diagnosed with NPD than women? Not to mention, White men who display these characteristics tend to receive more promotions or positions of power, particularly in fields like finance, business, law, and politics. *cough cough*
That is because as much as these therapists on TikTok demonize narcissism, it is embedded into the very fabric of our American culture—especially for men. Men are socialized at a young age, through varying sources, to be self-focused, assertive, competitive, and aggressive, all behaviors which, if left unchecked, can lead to the development of narcissistic tendencies. Specifically, this is reflected in the latest online trend, which has been making the rounds among young boys and men. It argues that empathy is making men “weak”….and we all know what type of man that breeds. That’s right, more baby Kevins.
The American Dream?
Clearly, Allison’s fantasy in Kevin Can F**k Himself is a critique of the “American Dream” The big white house, two car garage, the loving and supportive wife, the breadwinner and head of the household father, 2.5 kids…yada yada. We’ve heard it all before and shocker – it doesn’t work. It never really did, because one party (typically the husband) always benefited more than the other (the wife). Allison feels trapped in her relationship with Kevin as he has drained all her financial resources. She feels desperate and has no money of her own. So, in her desperation to feel some sense of control over her life again, she creates a plan to kill Kevin, which is where the first episode leaves us.
Clearly, while Allison’s actions are meant to be dramatized for the audience, it does reveal one very important truth. Women are desperate for autonomy and agency over their own lives. While some women are still buying into the concept of the American Dream, more and more women are realizing, it doesn’t work, and it was never created for us to begin with. We are sick of dealing with benign narcissism in men, who don’t appear to want to change or understand our perspectives. And while, yes, one could argue that these men never intended to be “narcissistic,” that doesn’t excuse them from not taking accountability for their actions now as adults.
What Kevin Can F**k Himself teaches us is that the American Dream is men’s heaven and women’s hell.
And women are getting very desperate and tired of living in that hell, and you know what they say…hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
OX,
Your Dark Fairy Godmother
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